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Play Bingo Like a Badass

Let us Begin

Bingo! Bingo!? That's easy to play, right? It's just checking a few numbers off a sheet I hear you scream, shattering your monitor and worrying everyone around you.
 
Well, yeah, kinda. You've got it loosely, but there's so much more to it than that. There's a whole world of bingo mystique, a world of bingo technique, a world of bingo intrigue and a whole new dimension of bingo pizzazz. You need ALL of these when it comes to playing a real game of bingo. Especially the pizzazz.. don't think you can start up a game of bingo without strutting in and glittering your pizzazz so fiercely in other people's eyes that they shake their bingo clenched pens. 
 
So, let us discuss, how to play bingo. How to really play it.
 

Bingo Step #1

 
To start with, remember; this is not a female orientated game. This is a game for the sexes, both sexes. Armed with that knowledge let's begin.
 
Here's the crack; you buy some cards with numbers on them, usually in a 5x5 grid, which correspond to the five letters (yes, count them) in the word BINGO. Numbers are then drawn like a pro. These numbers are random, out of a possible 75 in USA Bingo and 90 in UK Bingo. This drawing process continues until some legend shouts out "BINGO", or in the case of our online services, you can click a big shiny button (or just let the computer do all the legwork for you).
 
But how, why and when do you shout this mysterious "BINGO" you may ask. Well, let's go onto the next step...

The Critical Steps...

Bingo Step #2

 
Patterns dear lad! Patterns! Look at the patterns below;
 
Bingo Patterns
These are some of the marvellous patterns you can find in this crazy world. The patterns with are liable for a win will vary depending on the game you are playing, where you are playing it, and how much you've been drinking beforehand. 
 
Essentially, a bingo card contains 24 numbered spaces and one free space. Numbers are assigned at random to these cards, with numbers in the B column between 1 and 15, I between 16 and 30, and so on and so forth (you get where I was going, right?). If you match the pre-decided pattern(s) for a particular game, then you can shout BINGO. People will then look, some might cheer, but ultimately, you, my friend, will WIN!
 

Bingo Step #3

 
Which brings me onto the third step, and this is incredibly important, even if you're playing at home, on the internet. It regards the technique by which you shout that fabulous word BINGO. 
 
Try taking a deep breath and letting out a low, rattling BINGO sound. So you can feel it in your chest. Imagine you're a wolf. Say BINGO like a wolf.  OK, now this won't be how you actually shout it when you've won, but it's a good starting point.
From this deep low rumble you can form the basis for all BINGO shouts.
 
Slowly pitch up the BINGO sound, gradually increasing the volume as you go. You ideally want to achieve a large parrot's level of pitch, with the volume of a shrieking hyena. Got that in your mind? OK, Go. Work with it.
 
When you have found your ideal BINGO call (it's like a battle cry), then practice it. Practice it in your home, practice it whilst playing bingo on your mobile, practice it in an actual bingo hall. Practice it anywhere and everywhere you can, for you will need it.
 

Bingo Step #4

 
The final step is to go forth and play. Play like a warrior, play like a badass and find that bingo glory and fame which you long for.
 
When the time comes for you to shout that euphoric word - and trust me, it will come - shout it with gusto, with passion and with the feeling of jubilation, having just won countless pounds to spend on exactly what you damn well fancy.